No one really warns you. No one really prepares you. They might try, but they just can't. I was fortunate enough to have a great best friend who bluntly informed me of most of the terrifying things I was about to endure. (At the time, I thought she must be mad at me; but, now I realize she just didn't want me to be completely blindsided.) This knowledge, although incredibly scary, did help somewhat... but again- did not result in excellent preparation.
I cannot say it was all bad either. For instance, I LOVED my nurses. (Well, all but one whom I will discuss later.) One awesome nurse I had actually told me to sleep and she would come bring my baby in and plop him on my boob to nurse. This might sound odd to some people, but I think I cried from joy and had to control myself from jumping up and hugging her. I do not know if it is normal practice to offer such a service? Probably is? I did have a few other "circumstances" though that may have sent some extra pity points my way.
Don't fret- I will spare you the bloody details, because I would hate to be the cause of the end of the human race, and frankly I don't like remembering it.
1. Conveniently Sick Husband
Russ was sick. Yup. Like, in his opinion, flu sick. And, we all know that when a guy is sick- the whole world apparently needs to come to a halt and focus on this traumatic experience that is occurring in their lives. Love him, but he was pretty worthless those first few days.
At one point, a nurse walked in, asked how everyone was doing, and Russ pipes in from the sofa in the corner, "You know, I am still feeling pretty bad. Fevery... my head hurts real bad..."
I kind of wish that I could have seen my face at this moment. I can guarantee you- I was partially not even human. I think I was literally envisioning daggers coming out of my eyes, aimed at his "clogged sinuses." I was not at a good place.
The nurse, I am sure sensing my erratic thoughts, was polite with a "Umm... okay?... So, how are mom and baby?"
Oh- thanks! Yeah! I am here. I was a little worried for a second that maybe I did not really exist and this was all a dream. And, oh- besides just birthing a baby I am great! Thanks. (Insert side head flick and reload of daggers aimed at my husband.) It is a good thing I love him so much. And, that I could not move at the time.
2. "Souprise"
As it turns out, I actually was kind of, shall we say, "brave" through part of my postpartumness. I was very uncomfortable... down there. (Which- I fully expected, so you can wipe that "no shit" expression off of your face.) But, I am talking I never expected it to be anything like this kind of discomfort. I tried to swallow the pill (ba dum bum) and wait it out a day. Which led to: the longest day ever. But, things appeared to be getting worse. After maxing out on my allotted pain medicine (and ice packs) I had the one mean nurse tell me that I should not still need this much pain medicine (I had given birth less than 24 hours ago, mind you). It was basically a "No soup for you" moment.
After shooting the remaining daggers out of my eyes, this time in the direction of the devil nurse; and saying things in my head I cannot even repeat on here- I decided I needed to determine what should feel "normal" down there. But, not with the devil nurse. So, I waited a bit longer and finally took the nice nurse in the bathroom to check out the not-good goods.
I lift my gown.
Nurse: "Oh my!"
Me: "Ummm..."
Nurse: "No, no. No, honey that is not normal."
Me: "Oh, good?" Wait... is it good?
Nurse: "I think you are having an allergic reaction down there."
Me: "Oh.... nice. Because, there needs to be more going on... down there."
Yup. Turns out I am randomly allergic to the Dermoplast spray that they give you to help with pain. Very allergic. I also had been diligent with the spray. Very diligent.
The nurse helped me into the shower and said she would return with the doctor. She sent in another nurse to assist me in the meantime. Which leads to my next unfortunate circumstance...
3. Hot Nurse
This nurse... was freaking beautiful.
Young... like mid 20s, oh you still have that thing called a metabolism, young.
Gorgeous long blonde hair... oh so you put your head down in cha cha's all day and you don't have those luscious locks pulled back? Right....
Basically, she was "why the hell are you a nurse when you could be modeling in Milan?" beautiful.
You know what someone who has just given birth, and found out that she has had an allergic reaction "down there" does not want to see? This exact nurse.
I glare at her. Which she is probably used to, being her, in her line of work. But, then I realize she feels bad for me and has brought me drugs, so we become fast friends. We walk out of the bathroom and I swear to you- my husband is sitting straight up, smiling, just looking the best he has this whole hospital stay. What. A. Jackal.
4. Icing on the Postpartum Meltdown Cake
No one working in the hospital had ever heard of a negative reaction to Dermoplast, so I soon became "that person". You know the one- on Greys Anatomy where they bring in all of the interns or residents or whatever they are, to "teach them"/let them all gawk at and take notes on whatever weird thing is ailing you? Well, I was that person. And, you know where that "condition" was.
But, who can say no to science? I sure did not want this happening to another poor soul. So, I took one for the team. I gracefully pulled up my gown and became a science experiment to my 12 new best friends, whom I hope to never see again in my life.
5. Why Don't You Just Kick Me "Down There" Too
It was election day. As in, the 2012 Presidential Election. I had done my civic duty and mailed in my ballot (one benefit of being super pregnant). I had apparently forgotten it was the big day until about 2:00 in the morning. I noticed in my Benadryl/pain killer haze, that on the television that they were talking about the elections. I ask the nurse who had just walked in, "Wait? Do we have a new president yet?"
"Not new, honey. Obama got reelected."
"What? Why is this happening to me?" (You get very emotional right after having a baby.)
"I am going to need all of the pain medicine you've got."*
Bottoms up,
Katie (aka: Dermoplast Allergic Reaction Subject #1)
*Chill out- I will not get into politics on my blog. Mainly because the subject matter only depresses me and gives me reflux.
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