Tee Time

All I wanted for Christmas was to pee in peace, to pee in peace, to pee in peace... all I wanted for Christmas was to pee in peace... And, then I realized- I had more encroachers!

We all lead busy lives.  Well, most of us.  Well, some people do.  Often, the times around the holidays are an attempt to slow down and count our blessings (after the leg work of shopping for gifts and attending however many holiday parties you are fortunate enough to be invited to/tortutred by, depending on your viewpoint.)  Some people, given their profession are lucky enough to get to take time off of work... Others, have to work overtime... 

I, stay at home with my son who is now a slightly insane (which he is at least admitting to and coming to terms with- see video below) incredibly.. let's say "energetic" 3 year old.  He currently goes to school 2 mornings a week, 3 hours each day.  Yes, ladies and gentlemen- I get a whopping, almost 6 (e)F(fing)ABULOUS hours per week of peace.  (And, by peace- I mean peace to force myself to workout or to do chores... this may not sound appealing to many, but being able to be in a room of adults during the day and/or clean up a room without it immediately being ruined behind me is quite nice and rather rewarding.  (Think: kid home whilst cleaning = vacuuming with a large hole in the canister.)

Anywho- my son got a freaking month off of school for the holidays.  (Insert face that looks like I electrocuted myself.)

Now, my mom was a teacher so I geeeeet it.  These awesome teachers deal with not only my crazy son- but a whole class of them.  (I'd be sooooo bad at this.)

HOWFREAKINGEVER... That was a really long break.  Really, really long.

I don't ask for much.  Ok, that's a lie, I do ask for lots.  But, this statement is a good start to my point...

Because, sometimes, I just... want... to... pee... without... company. 

Is that too much to ask?  I'm not asking for even 5+ minutes.  Just, like 3?  Maybe 2?  Yes, I'd be happy with 2 uninterrupted minutes.

Apparently though- there is a bell that rings as soon as my ass hits the toilet seat.  Or, some sort of alarm system that notifies everyone that I have in fact left the room they are in, to heaven fobid- PEE.

My dogs: Both come in and start abnormally loudly licking their nether regions.  Ugh.  How can a lick even be that loud?

My son: Footsteps pounding, then door thrown open, followed by "Mom, Mom, Mommy, Mama, Mommy, what you doing?  Where's your wee wee?  I'm hungry.  I need to pee.  Why is that towel that color?  What can we do next?"

My husband: Busts open the door.  "Oh, you are in here? (Insert man sigh, meaning: You are really inconveniencing me by being in the bathroom when I want to be, even though I only want to be here after subconsioucly knowing you were in here.)  I need to get this random thing out that I have not used since we got married (10 years ago); but I really, really need it right now.  By the way, do you happen to know where it is?  I haven't seen it in a few years."

Me: Super annoyed. "Nope." (Definitely don't see it from this angle.)

My husband: (Insert man sigh, meaning: You are really inconveniencing me by being in the bathroom, and not knowing where to find this really random-ass thing I want to randomly use all of the sudden, for no apparent reason.) "Also, while I'm here- where is my wallet?... "

Me: "Where I always f-ing put it."

My husband: "Oh ok, what about my phone?  What's for dinner?  Did you get me some toothpaste at the store?"

At this point, you are probably wondering- well, you said "2 minutes"... you're past that... just get up.  But, you see- I am actually banging my head against the half-wall between our toilet and shower at this point.  So, it would be a shame to quit doing that.

This is a regular occurrence at our house: I need to pee, some alarm apparently goes off when my ass hits the seat, and family swarms.  It really is like like flies to... well.. you get the point.

I thought I was maybe hallucinating/exaggerating (never me!) this now, too-regular occurrence in my life until...


My parents came in for Thanksgiving.  I was very excited.  Really looking forward to seeing them, getting some good quality family time in... and, hoping- that I could... ya know, maybe pee in peace?  Seriously, in my head- "Yes! I can freaking pee without interruptions!"  There will be too much going on for people to even notice the alarm! It is going to be great!  Right???

Thanksgiving week- literally every time I sat down.  "Katie!" Followed by my truly lovely mother busting through the door.  "Oh, didn't know you were using the potty, sorry!" (Just so everyone knows- the 3 minutes I take to do my daily makeup application, I do not shut the door for that, so odds are good that: door shut = potty.)  "Well, while I'm here, what are the plans for today?"

Me: "Can this maybe wait, 2 minutes?"

Mom: "Well, I just need to know what to wear."

Me: "You packed probably 4 outfits, all of similar dressiness levels, and you religiously check the weather app of like 4 different cities, usually informing me of what I need to wear... in each of those cities..."

... conversation continues... and continues.. dear Mom eventually leaves bathroom doorway... I commence head banging.  (Love you, Mom!  Kiss kiss!)

Now, I am sure you are asking- "Why don't you just lock the door you freakin weirdo?!"

Well, you do not know my son.  He will lose his shit if he cannot come right in.  It starts with lots of yelling all of his questions though the door.  (Sweet boy must think it is a really nice, thick door).  That quickly escalates to, "why is this door locked, Mom?!?!  Are you stuck?  Don't worry!  Super Tuck to the rescue!"  This immediately leads to lots of banging and trying to break my poor bathroom door down.

So, dear people.  THAT is why I don't lock the freaking door.  Because I want there to physically be a door remaining, at least for show.  I would like this said sad/pointless door, to remain mostly painted, fairly un-dented and have working hardware intact.  So, when people come over and have not read this post (i.e. most people that come over) they can look at the bathroom door and see hope and think- "oh ok, she uses that door to block off her peeing.  Like a normal person.  That's nice.  That's real nice."

Little do they know...

For those of you who do not share this problem- pee away!  And pees, I mean please- enjoy ever trickle!



Tiddly-o, I've got to go! To tiddly-wee, hopefully! (Sound the alarm!),

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