The Grump vs. The 2-Year Old

Apparently- I am a "grumpy" person.  At least according to my son.  I did not even know that word was in his vocabulary; let alone, one of his new favorite words.

The other day I was trying to talk to someone on speaker phone, and as usual- my child was talking non-stop.  (Heaven forbid I have a solely adult conversation OR that he just remain quiet for 3 minutes.)  We have had the discussion many times about how it is rude to talk/yell when someone is on the phone, so it drives me crazy as hell when he "forgets" this simple rule.

I hang up the phone and look (okay, glare) at him.  As I begin to repeat said lecture- he looks at me and says, "Mommy, I sorry you are grumpy."

Me:  "Whaaa?"  Katie- Remember to breathe.  "Ummm."  Deep breath.  "So, let me get this straight.  Did you just tell me 'sorry you are grumpy'?"  (Maybe I had misunderstood?  Maybe he had said "Mommy, I am sorry for interrupting"?)

Kid:  "No, I am not grumpy- you are de grumpy."  Kid slams pointer finger into my rib cage.

Me:  "Did you just poke me?"  I force myself to walk away briefly as to not strangle my only child and attempt to get in a more teacher explanatory mindset/less of a how far can you throw a 35 lb. kid mindset...

I eventually return.  (Mindset being somewhere in between.)

Me:  "No, dearest son of mine.  Mommy is not grumpy.  Mommy is upset by your rude behavior.  When you are yelling whilst I am talking on the phone- I cannot hear what the other person is saying, and that dear defeats the entire purpose of having a phone conversation to begin with."

Kid:  Insert toddler head cock and major attitude here.  "She said dat dey might go to a movie later.  But, dey not sure.  Den dey might..."  

Kid repeats word for freaking word the entire 3 minute phone conversation he had just yelled the whole way through.

Me:  Dumbfounded.  "Well..."  (Well, shit.)  "Well, just because you heard.  I mean.  I am older and can't hear as good.  (Really Katie?)  And.  Yeah.  So.  Umm.  You're rude."  I make my exit. 

Needless to say, after that, I was grumpy for awhile.  I had officially been outsmarted and outsmartassed by my 2-year old.  I was somewhat prepared for this happening in about 10 years from now, but at age 2?!?  I mean, shit.  

Shouldn't he just be telling me things like "Mommy- I hungry." or, "Mama- you so purty!"?  That is at least what I would like to hear.  Not, being called out on my emotional frustrations that were merely a logical result of his bad behavior! 

Why did no one warn me that this level of sass could rear its ugly head this early in a child's life?!?  I would have been better prepared with some good comebacks at least!  Not things like "I am older and can't hear as good?!?"  What was that crap, Katie?  You weren't feeling bad enough for loosing an argument with a 2-year old, that you had to throw your age in there?  

That's just embarrassing. 

Needless to say, this "grump" did at least learn that her son will either be an actor due to his superb memorization skills and his ability to do a stellar dramatic reenactment or a lawyer for his argumentative debating skills and creative use of inductive reasoning.

Either way, he better be buying this grumpy mama some damn good Mother's Day presents in the future for raising his crazy... cute, little, squishy, tiny, white, tushy with a birthmark on the right cheek that looks like a poop stain.  

Hello World!
(Okay, maybe a little bit of future payback?)

Man I love that (smart)ass,
The Dumbfounded Grump

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