You Are Welcome, New Dad

Last night, I ran into a guy who told me he enjoyed reading my blog because he was about to have a baby and he wanted to know what he was really in for.  He also said he liked hearing these things from a stranger rather than his sister, which I get.  So, I thought I would break it down in layman's terms for him and other soon-to-be dads with the essentials.  

New Dad Survival Guide

-Do not get sick.
-Sick or not, do not touch the baby without covering your body in hand sanitizer.
-Do not allow others to touch the baby without doing the same.  It will be your fault if it happens.
-Stock up on hand sanitizer.
-Never complain about being tired.  She will be more tired.  I promise.
-You will be living with an emotional basket case for several months.
-Do not argue with said basket case.  Just tell the basket case that she is pretty.
-Although her newly ginormous boobs will look amazing to you, they will not feel amazing to her. 
-So, always remember: no touchies.  (And, definitely no pokies!)
-Nursing bras are not sexy.  If you are a weirdo and think that they are, do not tell her.  She does not care what you think.
-Do not ask her what's for breakfast.
-Do not ask her what's for dinner.
-Tell her you have got meals covered, because you remembered that she stocked up with enough food to feed an army when she was nesting.
-The main phrase that should be coming out of your mouth: "What can I do for you, sweetie?"
-Be prepared for 1 of 2 responses: emotional meltdown because you cannot physically nurse the baby OR an actual list a mile a long.
-On that list will probably be to run to the store and buy her more obnoxiously large maxi pads.  (Yes, she will have to wear for these an abnormally long time.)  Be a sport and say "yes, honey!"
-Never ask her what that crunching noise is when she is walking.  It is the obnoxiously large maxi pad.
-Never ask her when the last time she went to the store was.
-Never ask her when the last time she showered was.  She is avoiding watching her precious breastmilk leaking from her boob and going down the drain.
-Only notify her that her boob is "leaking" in public if you can provide a solution.  (i.e. a jacket, a scarf, etc.)  Be prepared for her crying once she notices.
-Stock up on tissues.  (The good kind.)
-Never notify her that she is leaking at the house.  She does not care.
-You, her, your baby, and your house will be covered in breast milk and spit up.  Get used to it. 
No folks, that's not prespiration.
-Stock up on paper towels and detergent.
-You will get weird looks at work, the grocery store, etc. for 2 reasons: you look like a zombie and you have spit up somewhere on your body.
-The round discs that look like mini maxi pads are nipple pads.  No matter how full they appear- do not throw them away without asking first.  Actually, just do not touch them at all.  And, never use them as a coaster.
-She will tell you how many ounces each breast makes, how often, how fatty... everything and then some.  Pretend to be very interested and tell her she's an amazing being.  
-Do not refer to her as a mammal.  It is a gross word and she will think you are calling her a whale.
-She will use every opportunity to think you are calling her fat, so avoid all words that are at all related.
-Never ask if she is wearing that again.  Because, yes.  She is.  She will have one outfit that fits her and she is not happy about it either.  
-This one outfit will probably be what she was wearing when she was 9 months pregnant.  Never bring up that you thought maternity clothes were only for when you were pregnant.
-She will still look pregnant for awhile.  Never ask when that is going to change.
-Your house will no longer be your house.  It will be overrun with baby and nursing stuff.
-You will no longer be able to find anything of yours in the bathroom.  It will look like a pharmacy and a hospital room.
-Your shaving cream will be replaced with nipple cream and hemorrhoid cream.
-Her first bowel movement will be similar to delivery.  Brew a pot of coffee and be prepared to hold the baby for a few hours.  Get her several magazines.  Do NOT hover by the door and ask for freaking progress reports.  Be prepared for more crying.
-Do not ask when she is going to the doctor again.  She knows that you just want her to get cleared for sex.  Trust me, she gets that you are excited about that day.  And, really trust me... she is not.

Disclaimer: This list is not an all-inclusive list and is not meant to be CliffsNotes for all of the daddy books piled on your nightstand.

Also, this will be my last post for a while relating to this subject matter because I know a lot of you do not give a rat's ass.  And, my husband thinks that all this baby talk means I am ready to have another baby.  Apparently, he is not actually reading my posts?

Best of luck- you're going to need it,

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